Wade: Still smiling? (c) Houston Astros

Brian Bixler?

Travis Buck?

Brad Snyder?

Next Ed Wade will announce he's signed a reliever from California Penal.

It's truly an upside-down world when the Miami Marlins are talking contract with Albert Pujols and Jose Reyes while the Astros are inking every piece of roster flotsam that even the Pirates and the Royals have more self-respect than to invite to camp.

Don't blame Ed. This is your new-look Astros under Jim Crane's control when the long-awaited sale agreement is approved this week. Crane may have to live with a team payroll of $60 million but he'd really like it to be $50 million.

In contrast, Crane is arguing to have up to $80 million of the sale price shaved off for accepting the bad deal forced on him by Commissioner Bud Selig to have the sale approved. Astros fans are being treated by Selig like little boys in the Penn State locker room and Crane will be among those they can thank for their new identity in the Arena League.

Astros fans will not be getting a roster upgrade for that $80 million "discount" either. No Pujols. No Reyes. No Prince Fielder. No C.J. Wilson. Probably not even bringing back Clint Barmes, hence the need for Bixler and his .187 career batting average.

This is cubic zirconia baseball, lifelike but cheap and fake. Get used to it, Houston. These are your Astros for the forseeable future.

"It's still the major leagues," they will tell you as you pay full price for your tickets. Major league as in Brian Bixler and Joe Thurston. Thanks, Jim. Thanks, Ed.

- Bob Hulsey