Jason Lane scores on passed ball in ninth (c) AP / David Kohl

"Ladies and gentlemen, on this day the Houston Astros have unilaterally given up the use of wood, leather, horsehide, and other of the Earth's critical non-sustainable resources" Houston General Manager Gerry Hunsicker announced to the press.

"No longer will we use bats of ash or maple from our depleted old-growth forests; no longer will we use leather gloves, which encourage the slaughter of innocent cattle; no longer will we use baseballs covered with horsehide."

Elaborating, Hunsicker revealed that the Astros would henceforth use gloves made of duct tape and Silly Putty bats, about which latter marketing studies show to be much more entertaining in futile at-bats.

"When waved in the air, a Silly Putty bat leaves a much nicer odor in the air than one coated with pine tar," Astros owner Drayton McLane explained. "It's much more consistent with the family-friendly atmosphere we're creating at Enron Field... er, I mean, Halliburton... uh... Landry's..., er, I mean, Minute Maid Park.

"Family-friendly is our credo. Never mind that Viagra ad in center field."

"With the performance of the club on this road trip," Hunsicker said, "we no longer have any real use for wood or leather, anyway."

Reached by telephone at his home for comment, Astros' player Craig Biggio said only "that's just baseball." [/satire]

The Astros limp home for an unusually short two-game series against the Cubs Tuesday night, after a four-game sweep dealt them at the hands of the surging -- and surprising -- Cincinnati Reds.

Houston gave up homers to Junior, Sean Casey, and Austin Kearns, and stranded 8 runners in all.

-- submitted by Darrell Pittman