MLB vanquishes latest threat

added 3/23/2007 by Darrell Pittman

Have you seen this man?
(c) Houston Astros
Faced by the rising tide of uppity player attitudes, MLB moved forcefully Thursday to restore order to the world.

Long suspected of subversion, 20-year veteran Craig Biggio was finally caught red-handed Wednesday night wearing a suspicious, non-authorized, sun-shaped symbol on his cap during a televised game with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. All three Devil Rays fans called in to protest.

In a tension-filled press conference Thursday night, Commissioner Alan H. "Bud" Selig expressed shock that any player, especially one destined for the Hall of Fame, would dare to wear any emblem that wasn't sanctioned in advance by Major League Baseball, much less harbor a non-approved thought.

"This is a very clean, low-mileage car, Mrs. Stensruud... oh, er... ahem... We are all appalled that this player took it upon himself to decide what is appropriate game apparel," Selig said. "We don't mind the baggy pants or the gold pimp chains that other players wear, or that they sometimes don't show up at the ballpark at all. But this weird thing on Mr. Biggio's cap is clearly out of bounds."

When reporters pointed out that the symbol in question was in fact the logo of the Sunshine Kids, a charity devoted to helping children stricken by cancer, Selig added "Being from Milwaukee, I'm not really sure what a 'sun' is, but obviously, the best treatment for those kids is to get up off their sick-beds, come out to the ballpark, spend their parents' last few dollars to buy some high-priced tickets and maybe a balloon or two, then enjoy America's game. Heck, they can even get a half-priced soda if they can run fast enough."

Special Agent Barney Fife
(Goober fills in on weekends)
(c) Logocops (tm)
Selig commended the efforts of MLB's crack "Logocop" team -- spearheaded by Special Agent Barney Fife -- in tracking down the offender in this latest plot to undermine the very foundations of baseball in the United States.

The Commissioner dismissed claims that recent scandals like rampant steroid use among professional baseball players place a black mark on the sport. "Look, we warn those guys well in advance of their test dates, so there will be no further violations. The drug problem has been solved."

Turning back to the Biggio conspiracy, Selig admitted, "We can't allow players to divert money to 'charity' that might otherwise go to the support of the National Pastime. It would be the end of baseball, and America, as we know it."

The above is a work of satire. No actual Commissioners were harmed in the writing of this article, but then again, there haven't been any actual Commissioners since Fay Vincent. -- Darrell Pittman